Alex Wong Nooooo!!!

Tina, pull it together. Alex Wong has been eliminated from So You Think You Can Dance, and we can't do anything about it. At least we can be consoled by the fact that Alex was eliminated due to an injury, a torn achilles tendon. He was Nancy Kerriganed by a Bollywood number. I knew it would take an Asian dance to defeat an Asian dancer. It's like fighting fire with fire. My hopes and dreams of seeing an Asian American win a tv reality competition have been shattered. I know Chloe won Project Runway, but I meant a competition in which people need to vote for you. I have specific dreams, Tina. Specificity is key for acting and dreams. I guess it's up to me now to be the first Asian American to win an Oscar for Lead Actress, presented to me by Betty White while wearing Monique Lhuillier.

My Alex Wong related posts:

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/07/voting-fingers_04.html

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/07/reality-tv-binge-alex-wong.html

Michael Jackson (Ha, Got Your Attention)

Tina, how many times have you asked yourself "Where can I find a Pakistani American man who can impersonate Michael Jackson's dance moves?" If I had a quarter every time I asked myself that... What a quandary. But no worries because the next person I'm adding to my Fey-reinds list is Khurram Mozaffar. Again, I am friends with people with really cool names. Last time it was Kat Swick. Not to mention, Khurram's name is ethnic, yay for diversity. If you need to contact Khurram, he's only a crotch grab away.

With Hollywood's new trend of finding funny South Asian/Middle Eastern men like Danny Pudi and Aziz Ansari, I can tell you Khurram is the exact opposite. He is not funny. I know you're reading this, Khurram. Other than his Michael Jackson impression, Khurram is a writer, one who really writes from his heart. He's also one to watch. He may be the next Diablo Cody. After all, they both have a dancing background. And though he considers himself a writer, he is a gifted actor despite the fact he hasn't acted for a good decade. A testament to his abilities: He basically became the critically praised star of an ensemble show we did together. Kind of like Will Ferrell except not funny. Hopefully, he doesn't forget that the rest of the talented cast contributed to his success, especially the adorable Asian girl. She's kind of like you, Tina. And a fan (yeah he has fans) said he should be on the cover of GQ. As a Vogue cover girl I have to disagree with that statement, but to each his own. Did I mention he wrote a part for me in his movie as the wiseass?

Here are some other reasons Khurram is the King of Pop dance moves:
1) Because he's been out of the acting world for a while, he doesn't always realize he's talking to someone famous or reputable in the "biz." For example, he had no idea he was giving a Tony Award winning playwright writing tips. It's cool knowing someone who can be oblivious to status and tell it like it is. Sometimes famous actors and writers need a wake up call, and Khurram is right there with a "Good morning."
2) When he finds something interesting or clever he makes this indiscernible sound. It's kind of a mix between approval and"man that was good eating." It's a great ego boost when you're talking to him and he does that sound.
3) He's got 3 adorable children. I hear play date with Alice and Ali (Coincidence they have the same 3 letters in their name? I think not).
4) He instigates a chain of emails (typically off of business type emails to other actors) that are often ridiculously entertaining. Which makes me wonder if he actually does any work during his day job as a lawyer. I like to imagine that Khurram enters his office, where you'll find a strategically placed Michael Jackson outfit nearby, curls up in a ball under his desk, takes a nap, and afterwards recounts his dreams in a mass email.
5) He's a true gentleman. Chivalry is not dead, just the man he dueled protecting his wife's honor.

THE

Tina, what's happening to me? I've used the word "THE," the way old and yes that includes middle age (no offense) people use the word "the" in front of nouns that don't need it. For example, (and let's do it in a Sarah Palin voice just because it's funny) My kids are on the Facebook. OR I can see the Russia from my house. Now this is going to be difficult, but I will tell my story. The usual "what did you do over the weekend" conversation was going along splendidly with a friend of mine until I said I saw the Eclipse. That phrasing would have been alright if I had seen an actual eclipse (through indirect methods of course), but I didn't. I saw Eclipse, the movie in the Twilight Saga starring Taylor Lautner's abs. The "THE" bomb dropped and suddenly I could feel the bifocals prescibe themselves, my metabolism slow down, and my knowledge of current music and clothing styles recede. I'm scared, Tina, I'm scared. I don't want to live in the fear.

Only fans of the 30 Rock would understand why I would use a picture of Kenneth the Page in this post.

Meat, It's What's For Dinner. - Michael Scott

Tina, remove any layers or Spanx you might be wearing and imagine numerous men coming to you with their various meats. Yes, I'm talking about those Brazilian steakhouse restaurants. You've never been? I totally understand. You barely have time to sleep let alone eat copious amounts of meat. So let me take you on a culinary adventure to Brazil...ian steakhouse. I'm going to use Chicago's popular Brazilian restaurant, Fogo de Chao, as our dining example. Once you've entered [insert term for fancy, artsy decor] Fogo de Chao, you will notice men in traditional MC Hammer pants. Actually, they are wearing the more traditional Gaucho ensemble. That's what the whole Brazilian steakhouse concept is based on: the Gaucho culture way of preparing meat. At Fogo, it's all you can eat but it's not your ordinary buffet, because you never have to get up. The "Gauchos" come to you bearing large skewers of steak, chicken, etc. to your table and serve you. And they are relentless when it comes to serving you. As one is done plating you, the next Gaucho is right behind. When you let this go on for about 5 minutes, your plate looks like a hot mess of seasoned meats. You no longer know which meat is which, but you do know you taste deliciousity. Will the Gauchos ever stop bringing their fine meats? Yes, because you play the small game of red light, green light with these little cards that are placed on the table. My favorite part about eating at these Brazilian steakhouses is when you ask for a specific meat (since each Gaucho is designated a meat) and the other Gauchos get jealous of the the Gaucho you requested. And then the feeling of jealousy quickly turns to disappointment as if the Gauchos were thinking, "I thought we had something special. I gave you my heart (meat)." But what if I don't want to eat all that meat? Don't worry Tina, because all Brazilian steakhouses have incredible, and I mean incredible salad bars. That's how they get you to fill up before the Gauchos culinarily give it to you.