MOVED!

Tina, I've decided to officially move the blog over to www.tinafeyismyfriend.wordpress.com

Take A Load Off

Tina, POOP. Poop is funny and I know you feel the same way. So I'm about to make poop funnier, with a game in which you come up with movie titles that in some way insinuate the number 2.  It's ultimately hilarious and disgusting. My friend brought this game to my attention and my cast (Yeah I'm in a play. Don't act like I didn't tell you.) and I produced some real smelly brain farts. I also can't believe this is the second time I've mentioned poop on this blog. http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/birds.html And feel free to add to the list, Tina. Otherwise it'll build up inside you and...well you know.

From what I could remember:
There Will Be Blood (my favorite)
Splash
Extract
A River Runs Through It
Deep Impact
The Hurt Locker
Titanic
The Dark Knight
Revenge of The Fallen
8 Crazy Nights
Gone in 60 Seconds
The Last of the Mohicans
Chocolat
Waiting to Exhale
Hope Floats
The Rock
A Hard Day's Night

Almost every Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, and M. Night Shaymalan movie
Cast Away
Risky Business
Lady in the Water
The Green Mile
That Thing You Do
The Terminal
Catch Me If You Can
Mission Impossible
The Happening
Unbreakable
The Village
Joe vs. The Volcan
Sleepless in Seattle
Knight and Day

Donate Shun

Tina, (catching my breath) oh my gosh, oh my gosh Tina, I got out as quick as I could. I think I outran it, I think I outran my guilty conscience. Why do I feel guilty? Because I'm having a donation dilemma: being asked to donate when you're purchasing something at the register. Tina, if I had a quarter every time I've been asked to donate to charities while  checking out at the register, I would've withheld a good amount of money from the less fortunate. Don't get me wrong T, I am a sucker for donating. I literally just donated to Stand Up 2 Cancer (www.standup2cancer.org) before posting this. I donate all the time, and I'm an actor, which means I barely have enough money as it is. I always remind myself of that Bible story, where the beggar donated his only gold coin instead of keeping it for himself. (I think that's the story. Where's Veggie Tales when you need it?) I just feel weird donating when the person at the cash register asks you for money, especially since you're buying food, something expensive, or anything at all because you actually have money. It always catches me off guard when they ask, and then I end up feeling guilty and obligated to donate.  Sometimes I have to say no, otherwise I'll soon be the one needing the money. If I don't give something, I'm a jerk. If I do give something, then it becomes how much do I donate. Because if I only give a $1, I still feel like a jerk because I'm clearly purchasing something that cost more than a $1. This is what celebrities must feel like when they pass a homeless person as the paparazzi's following them. I want to donate out of the kindness of my heart and not the judging eyes of the sales associate or the people in line. I, of course, assume they're judging me because I'm human...and an actor. I'm pretty, right Tina?



I know how you feel Ricky.

Tweemmys

Tina, WHUCK! No Emmy wins! At least you lost to worthy opponents. Always offer to run naked like Modern Family. Maybe you guys secretly pulled an Oprah and told the academy to nominate, but not vote for you to give other shows a chance. I respect that. To be honest I only watched the Emmys for 30 Rock and for you, Tina. Ok and Modern Family. My favorite part of the Emmys besides the opening number and Jimmy Fallon's musical montage was reading all the pre-Emmy/post Emmy tweets by the 30 Rock folks. So on Emmy day, I thought why can't I do the same. I may never get to go to the Emmys, and worse of all never tweet to my fans.


I present to you my Tweemmys:
(Some of them I didn't actually tweet b/c it's connected to my facebook, and I didn't want to annoy people every 2 seconds with my tweets.)

Wish I could tweet abt my emmy experience, u know what I will. Got my emmy dress. It's a @LoveFromKat2U design.

Eating at katsuya before we get ready for the #emmys. Oh there's tina fey sitting at the next table. Hey jeff and alice.

Now off to the beverly hills hotel to shoot a promo for the #emmys with the cast of jersey shore. Got my orange tan solution ready.

Oh no lindsay lohan is talking to snooki. Wait there's jon hamm! Anybody know any 60s pickup lines?

just found out jane lynch, jon hamm, and tina fey are going to be in an opening dance number for the #emmys. add tim gunn and i'm set.

Getting my hair and make-up did. Love my dress. Best of all very little boning. In the dress, of course.

Walking the red carpet #emmys10! This is ridiculous. Ryan Seacrest stop trying to interview me. I need to mingle.

My date, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, looks so dapper. Jealous, ladies?

Kathy Griffin and her mom! Maggie, I have a box of wine with your name on it.


Taking a pic with the cast of Modern Family. They say they're fans of my blog. Thanks Modern Family, love the show.

The Emmys are starting!!!!

Tim Gunn was in the opening number! TINA! Tina, I told you got swagga and you had the perfect dance face. Love you. And Hamm and Fallon!

Sitting next to Tina Fey. We can't stop laughing. It's like we finish each other's sandwiches. AD reference.

Tina's seat filler is really nice. How do you become a seat filler?

Yay, they're doing comedy first. C'mon Tina, Jane, Alec, Eric, Ty, Jesse, Julie, Sofia. Fingers crossed.

#imontheemmys tina fey i love you so much that if i were a pair of glasses i'd sit on your face. sincerely yours, betty white.

Got a pic with Tina Fey and Betty White during a commercial break, but then Betty copped a feel and I dropped my camera and lost the pic.

Temple Gradin you're my new inspiration. Claire Danes, applause.

The Emmys are over. Now it's time to party. Governor's Ball.

Dancing with the cast of 30 Rock, Glee, and Modern Family. The cast of True Blood is too aggressive. Half of them aren't even human.

I can't even begin to describe how much fun I had at the Emmys. Up next, Golden Globes.

Tim Gunn

Tina, use these words in a sentence: anacoluthia, penumbra, festoon. Make it work. Confused? So am I, because I picked a bunch words of the day from a dictionary website. But you know who could help us out, TIM FREAKING GUNN. If I were to cast the Real World: My Fantasy, Tim and you would be there and I promise to never let you pee yourselves. Wait, I'm thinking SIMS world. Anyways, nothing has made me love Tim Gunn more than this moment:

It was the first time he's really accosted the designers. Yet not a sliver of hair or even his glasses moved one bit. That episode felt like freaking Cruel Intentions. The manipulation, the breakdowns, the sex...y outfits. Wait I have one more, the death...defying V-neck plunges. Okay I'm done. Oh no, I'm about to vomit some bad puns and twists of words. Tim Gunn pulled out his verbal weaponry from his gunnery and shot down Gretchen. Ahhh...satisfaction.

Here's an excerpt from my Real World confessional:

"Why I love Tim?"

1. He's genuinely nice.

2. I'm pretty sure his casual wear is still a suit. 

3. My vocabulary has expanded.

4. That smooth drawl, "Designers."

5. He's always right.

6. The Tim Gunn look: hand under chin, eyebrow up, eyes over glasses, long face

7. I wonder what his parents are like.

8. WHERE'S ANDRE?

Just Walk the Walk

Tina, who the hell stole my chiffon? Where's Andre? Hot tranny mess! Big gay queens! Well the last one was just me. But it's that time of the year again, Project Runway is back and it's an half hour longer! More importantly, Models of the Runway series is gone, like Mr. Turner in Boy Meets Word. Without a word, the show just disappeared. Before MotR, you would always get a small behind-the-scenes look into the PR model cattiness. And you'd be all like, "Girl, those models don't be eating much but they sure be snacking on some drama." I was always intrigued by these glimpses of the models lives, so when PR decided to do MotR, I was more than curious. Unfortunately, it was the most boring thing I'd ever seen, much like when I talk to models at auditions. Actually the extent of our conversations is more like the models think I work at the casting agency, and ask me really obvious questions i.e. "Do I need to know all the lines?" Aside from falling asleep within the first 10 mins of MotR, I was fascinated by the fact that the models kept acting as if they were in a competition. Yes, modeling is a constant competition, but in the context of the show, they are not competing. The designers of Project Runway are competing.

Now models of the runway, hear me out. Then tell me if you are in a competition.

Were there model challenges? No.
Did you produce anything? No, except jealousy over the fact that you eat anything you want and remain thin.
Were there winners? Only the model paired with the WINNING DESIGNER.
Were you being judged? Only by the public.
Were there annoying talking heads? Yes.  My favorite reality show line of all time, "I'm not here to make friends." It's the equivalent to my favorite real life line, "They're just jealous."

So PR has resorted again to tiny model snippets, which again have sparked my interests. But now I know the outcome of diving further into my curiousity: boredom and frustration. I think it's safe to say that the models should be seen and rarely heard, like how some of the series regulars on Glee are treated. On a side note, I do like Glee.

Remember Being Human

Tina, despite my fear of people certified in CPR, I have to admit that the educational video part of the CPR course is painfully hilarious. I think all educational/corporate videos follow this formula: take everything as normal human language - normal human behavior + retro apparel and hair (always the 80s) + cast everyone off the streets and claim "this could be your big break". The formula always works. I've always wondered what the writing room was like for Arrested Development because it was pure genius, much like 30 Rock. But I've also day dreamt about the people behind these videos who make boring tv magic. I'd like to imagine that their writers room consist of: one of the cavemen from the Geico commercials, an apple, a kitten smoking a cigar, and Corey Feldman. I have a theory that even Meryl Streep couldn't make these videos work. If Sesame Street or Dora the Explorer can be entertaining yet educational, what's the deal Corey Feldman? You have to wonder if they're in on the joke of making awful videos. You know what, it's probably just for the money. I'd do it for the money. If bad movies have the Razzies, I think educational videos should have the Touchies because half of these videos are about sexual harrassment.

Now this is writing:

CPR- Can Possibly Resuscitate

Tina, remember when I said I didn't want to live in the fear. Well, I'm freaking scared. CPR aka cardio pulmonary resuscitation, is a pretty easy yet critical skill to learn. Unfortunately, instructors give out certifications like candy.  This past week I was at orientation for my new (now past) job at a gym, and everyone was given a 1 hr tutorial in CPR with no practical assessment. Now ALL are certified for 2 years to save your life. Seriously?! There is no way all these people are fully capable of doing so, because let me tell you of another CPR fiasco. 

I got re-certified with a major health organization and that course was about  6 hrs long. And the people who were taking it for the first time, oh brother. If you can't remember how to do CPR after we did the same scenario like 15 times, then Tina we need to run, run for our lives. But don't get hurt because they won't be able to help you. I don't know if you've ever taken these type of courses, but they're extremely tedious and even the instructor wishes he/she had chosen a different career path. And they're designed to treat you like an idiot, and, unfortunately, I now know why. When I say treat you like an idiot, I mean anybody with short term memory could pass the test. So it also concerned me when I found out people in my class had failed and were retaking the course. AND to make matters worse, no one had the "Dr. Drew Baird" excuse. Because let's face it, gorgeous idiots really know how to shake a choking victim until the object is dislodged. Or at least give the injured one last bit of hotness before diving into unconsciousness.

When it comes to CPR/first aid, let me tell you the capabilities of the human mind or lack thereof (mostly the lack thereof) scares the Asian out of me. And don't worry, I will be commenting on those entertaining educational videos they make you watch in another post.

I really wish I could've gotten out of CPR class like this. Better yet, acted like this for CPR class.

Doppleganger

Tina, I can't believe it. You're writing for SNL this year! Well not you, but Shelly Gossman, your other doppleganger is. How incredible is that? Lorne Michaels gives the nod, and within a few weeks, after years of Chicago improv, she's off to SNL. Why am I telling you this? This was you 13 years ago. And I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so scared. (Ask anyone what they remember from Saved By the Bell, and I guarantee they will know that line.) But I really am so excited, because Shelly Gossman was in the very first Second City show I ever saw, Taming of the Flu. Not going to lie, I have a pretty good eye for picking out talent, and Shelly and Emily Wilson both stood out to me. But more importantly, I couldn't help but notice how much Shelly looked like you. Maybe not in the picture here, but when you see her on stage you can't help but think if they made another Mean Girls, she could write it. I find it ridiculously funny that of all the people who could potentially follow your career trajectory, it's someone who looks like you. The best part is she has a Minnesota accent (aka the go to Palin voice), so imagine the sketch possibilities. How awesome would it be if she pulled a Felicity Huffman, and did an impression of you doing an impression of Palin? Now I know how you felt Tina when you were a student watching Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Amy Sedaris on the Mainstage. Not only thinking to yourself, I can't wait to be up there, but I'm a witness to someone's "before" story. Why am I telling you this? I'm in your place 18 years later.

Congratulations Shelly! It's only the beginning. First writer, then repertory player.

Hiatus

Tina, sorry I've been away awhile, but I'm retiring. And...I'm unretired. I pulled an Amanda Bynes. Anyways, I'm going on hiatus for a bit. I'm working on several projects. Oooo...that makes me sound like a celebrity. Which I'm not, hence why I'm working on several projects. Things would be easier if you'd just hire me. Fine. I'll do it the hard way.