Birds

TINA, A BIRD CRAPPED ON MY HEAD! At least I think it did because I felt something drip onto my hair as I walked under a tree and heard a bird tweet and fly away. I touched my hair and it was wet and when I looked down at my fingers there was this nasty brown "liquid". DISGUSTING. My reaction was pretty much like this:

Luckily, I had just walked out of the gym because I was not about to walk around in 85 degree Chicago summer heat with poop in my hair and on my hands. So I ran back into the gym to the showers. It was bad enough I had excrements on me, I wasn't about to go barefoot in a gym shower. So I basically rinsed my hair as quickly possible with all my clothes except my shirt and shoes on. That was a bit difficult since the shower head has a water splash zone of about 3 feet. Now my shoes were soaking wet and my hair was somewhat clean, but I still felt like the poop was in my hair. I must of looked crazy because I came in with frazzled with dry hair and left literally 5 mins later calm with wet hair. Now I think Liz Lemon would be exceptionally proud of this next bit. I hadn't eat lunch yet and since I was in a bit of a time crunch and had poop in my hair, I had the option of running home first and showering then eating or vice versa. I chose the second option. That's right. I walked all the way to Corner Bakery to pick up lunch THEN ran home to take a proper shower. I got a sandwich/soup combo. It really is the best of both worlds. I don't think it was too obvious my hair was a toliet today because I have really dark, basically black hair, so the brown blended in. Though I'm sure that bird that pooped on me went on his twitter and tweeted he pooped on me, because it felt like everyone knew. I swear I've never had more people stare at me as I walked down the street. 

The Situation, eh.

Tina, fist pump if you've seen Jersey Shore. Fist pump. Fist pump. Gatorade break. Fist pump. Sorry I lost myself there. Anyways, here's my situation with The Situation: The Situation's lack of an actual Situation. But props to him for coming up with the name, which I'm still not sure are his abs' name or his nickname.


First off, a six pack is actually an 8-pack. The More You Know (do do do). If I had a laser pointer, I would like to showcase the fact that he has two. And the top row, I'm pretty sure is his ribcage. In some pics, like the one to the right, it looks like he stuffed some tube socks in his stomach package. His pack seems crumpled, small, and oddly compact. Narrow is the word that comes to mind. And they are weirdly slanted. I honestly don't intend to be mean, but if he's going to talk the talk, he'd better do some more crunches to back up The Situation.

Now my real excuse for the post: eye candy. You're welcome, Tina. What would you do for Klondike Bar? (I hope you did that improv exercise in class.)

By the way, you should see what my past searches on google search looks like right about now.

Dance Face

Tina, your daughter says the funniest things like the time she said she danced at parties for a living. Hilariously inappropriate. So I guess teaching her dances I learned in hip hop to Beyonce's "Baby Boy" and Ludacris' "My Chick Bad" are off limits? I will take your silence and eye roll as a no. But can I least teach her how to make a genuine dance face? I will take your silence and eye roll as a yes. Because I have to say, there is nothing more annoying in dance than watching dancers and wanna-be dancers make disturbing, forced dance faces. For example, there's the snooty "Look at me I'm a dancer but I'm taking basic dance" face or "I'm totally gangsta" face which is why my lips are so pursed. Ok, Alice here are some suggestions:
1. Do Zoolander's Blue Steel or Magnum (I'd go with Magnum because then this fancy light somehow emerges behind you.) Believe it or not, that face is pure truth.

2. Use your normal face. You got great eyes, go with it.
3. Don't think, just do. Your personality will come through your body. Because you dance with your body, duh, and not your face. The dancer face will then be organic.
4. If you have to force a dancer face, wear a t-shirt that says "My eyes are down here, buddy" to divert the audience's eyes to your shirt instead. Or wear a boa.

Do You Know Mick Napier?

Tina, of course, you remember Mick. Working with him, Rachel, Scott, Kevin, Jenna, and Jim in Paradigm Lost must have been "Wicked". Flashback!

Alright, back to Mick. He probably doesn't remember me or what he said to me, but I sure do. He called me "insanely funny." Now, I usually take any compliment or comment with a grain of salt. But this time, I threw the salt over my shoulder and let it hit the kid next to me in the face. Why did Mick's comment especially stick with me? Because (and it is possible that I'm grouping various sources to come to this conclusion) he saw something in you, which means he saw something in me. Noticed how I avoided a dirty joke there. Truly funny people avoid those jokes because it's too easy. Just kidding. I could barely keep from typing the 10,000 ideas that were entering my head as I wrote "the something in me" line. But now I bare the responsibility of being insanely funny, which I plan to be until the novelty and fame wear off. Or...I could get a part in the Twilight Saga. Reference to earlier blog!

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/twilight-celebrities.html

Could You be Friends with Tina (and me)?

Tina, it's crazy how many people want to hang out with us. But that table at Corcoran's can't fit us all, so I have devised a quiz to see if they are truly our friends.

1. The fact that you're about to take this quiz means you're reading my blog. Awesome. But you're also reading my personal notes to Tina. How dare you? Give yourself 1 point.

2. You live or have lived in Chicago (and not some suburb or Chicagoland).

3. You're a bit socially awkward in an adorable way, not a Kristen Stewart way.

4. You attend/currently attend and/or peformed at Second City or Improv Olympic. I will also accept Annoyance Theater and Upright Citizens Brigade.

5. You're cute, funny, and smart but members of the opposite sex or same sex are somehow not attracted to you.

6. You're left-handed or secretly wish you were.

7. You attempted a short haircut that wasn't a bob, and later realized longer hair suits you.

8. You wear fitted shirts and blazers. Oh and V-necks to to accentuate what you got, but still members of the opposite or same sex are not attracted to you.

9. People continually underestimate you, though somehow you always manage to stand out. Probably because no one expects much from you.

10. You're self-deprecating and modest, because being a douche is already taken by [insert name].

11. You're germophobic. Wait that's just me. Um...you started watching SNL again because of "Sarah Palin".

12. You still wear your retainer.

13. You know the difference between kick-ass and good television. 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Modern Family, and Friends are among your favorites.


More questions to come.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/06/tracy-morgan-chokes-up-on_n_527578.html

Restaurant Butter

Tina, eating at all those fancy restaurants and awards receptions, you must have recognized what they all have in common: solid cold butter. The type of butter you can cut but can't spread, so you end up making a hole in your delicate piece of bread and eating the entire chunk of butter. These restaurants go out of their way to provide you with all types of conveniences like changing the color of the napkins to better match the pants you're wearing (yes this has happened to me), but they can't figure out how to give you softer butter. Don't get me wrong there are some restaurants that provide whipped butter, which is spreadable, so why don't all restaurants do that?

Happy Father's Day!!

Tina, will you pass my Happy Father's Day to your hubby. Thanks. In honor of Father's Day I want to post a couple of pics of some movie dads.

Zombie Parkour!

Tina, how cool is this? My friend told me about Zombie Parkour. It's exactly like it sounds. A fitness class designed in which you run away from zombies. Which got me thinking. Now hold on to your Emmys because this is going to blow your mind. STAR WARS! A Star Wars themed gym. You're welcome, Tina. It's my gift to you. I will build it, and nerds will come. (Double entendre? Unintentional, but yes.)