MOVED!

Tina, I've decided to officially move the blog over to www.tinafeyismyfriend.wordpress.com

Take A Load Off

Tina, POOP. Poop is funny and I know you feel the same way. So I'm about to make poop funnier, with a game in which you come up with movie titles that in some way insinuate the number 2.  It's ultimately hilarious and disgusting. My friend brought this game to my attention and my cast (Yeah I'm in a play. Don't act like I didn't tell you.) and I produced some real smelly brain farts. I also can't believe this is the second time I've mentioned poop on this blog. http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/birds.html And feel free to add to the list, Tina. Otherwise it'll build up inside you and...well you know.

From what I could remember:
There Will Be Blood (my favorite)
Splash
Extract
A River Runs Through It
Deep Impact
The Hurt Locker
Titanic
The Dark Knight
Revenge of The Fallen
8 Crazy Nights
Gone in 60 Seconds
The Last of the Mohicans
Chocolat
Waiting to Exhale
Hope Floats
The Rock
A Hard Day's Night

Almost every Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, and M. Night Shaymalan movie
Cast Away
Risky Business
Lady in the Water
The Green Mile
That Thing You Do
The Terminal
Catch Me If You Can
Mission Impossible
The Happening
Unbreakable
The Village
Joe vs. The Volcan
Sleepless in Seattle
Knight and Day

Donate Shun

Tina, (catching my breath) oh my gosh, oh my gosh Tina, I got out as quick as I could. I think I outran it, I think I outran my guilty conscience. Why do I feel guilty? Because I'm having a donation dilemma: being asked to donate when you're purchasing something at the register. Tina, if I had a quarter every time I've been asked to donate to charities while  checking out at the register, I would've withheld a good amount of money from the less fortunate. Don't get me wrong T, I am a sucker for donating. I literally just donated to Stand Up 2 Cancer (www.standup2cancer.org) before posting this. I donate all the time, and I'm an actor, which means I barely have enough money as it is. I always remind myself of that Bible story, where the beggar donated his only gold coin instead of keeping it for himself. (I think that's the story. Where's Veggie Tales when you need it?) I just feel weird donating when the person at the cash register asks you for money, especially since you're buying food, something expensive, or anything at all because you actually have money. It always catches me off guard when they ask, and then I end up feeling guilty and obligated to donate.  Sometimes I have to say no, otherwise I'll soon be the one needing the money. If I don't give something, I'm a jerk. If I do give something, then it becomes how much do I donate. Because if I only give a $1, I still feel like a jerk because I'm clearly purchasing something that cost more than a $1. This is what celebrities must feel like when they pass a homeless person as the paparazzi's following them. I want to donate out of the kindness of my heart and not the judging eyes of the sales associate or the people in line. I, of course, assume they're judging me because I'm human...and an actor. I'm pretty, right Tina?



I know how you feel Ricky.

Tweemmys

Tina, WHUCK! No Emmy wins! At least you lost to worthy opponents. Always offer to run naked like Modern Family. Maybe you guys secretly pulled an Oprah and told the academy to nominate, but not vote for you to give other shows a chance. I respect that. To be honest I only watched the Emmys for 30 Rock and for you, Tina. Ok and Modern Family. My favorite part of the Emmys besides the opening number and Jimmy Fallon's musical montage was reading all the pre-Emmy/post Emmy tweets by the 30 Rock folks. So on Emmy day, I thought why can't I do the same. I may never get to go to the Emmys, and worse of all never tweet to my fans.


I present to you my Tweemmys:
(Some of them I didn't actually tweet b/c it's connected to my facebook, and I didn't want to annoy people every 2 seconds with my tweets.)

Wish I could tweet abt my emmy experience, u know what I will. Got my emmy dress. It's a @LoveFromKat2U design.

Eating at katsuya before we get ready for the #emmys. Oh there's tina fey sitting at the next table. Hey jeff and alice.

Now off to the beverly hills hotel to shoot a promo for the #emmys with the cast of jersey shore. Got my orange tan solution ready.

Oh no lindsay lohan is talking to snooki. Wait there's jon hamm! Anybody know any 60s pickup lines?

just found out jane lynch, jon hamm, and tina fey are going to be in an opening dance number for the #emmys. add tim gunn and i'm set.

Getting my hair and make-up did. Love my dress. Best of all very little boning. In the dress, of course.

Walking the red carpet #emmys10! This is ridiculous. Ryan Seacrest stop trying to interview me. I need to mingle.

My date, Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, looks so dapper. Jealous, ladies?

Kathy Griffin and her mom! Maggie, I have a box of wine with your name on it.


Taking a pic with the cast of Modern Family. They say they're fans of my blog. Thanks Modern Family, love the show.

The Emmys are starting!!!!

Tim Gunn was in the opening number! TINA! Tina, I told you got swagga and you had the perfect dance face. Love you. And Hamm and Fallon!

Sitting next to Tina Fey. We can't stop laughing. It's like we finish each other's sandwiches. AD reference.

Tina's seat filler is really nice. How do you become a seat filler?

Yay, they're doing comedy first. C'mon Tina, Jane, Alec, Eric, Ty, Jesse, Julie, Sofia. Fingers crossed.

#imontheemmys tina fey i love you so much that if i were a pair of glasses i'd sit on your face. sincerely yours, betty white.

Got a pic with Tina Fey and Betty White during a commercial break, but then Betty copped a feel and I dropped my camera and lost the pic.

Temple Gradin you're my new inspiration. Claire Danes, applause.

The Emmys are over. Now it's time to party. Governor's Ball.

Dancing with the cast of 30 Rock, Glee, and Modern Family. The cast of True Blood is too aggressive. Half of them aren't even human.

I can't even begin to describe how much fun I had at the Emmys. Up next, Golden Globes.

Tim Gunn

Tina, use these words in a sentence: anacoluthia, penumbra, festoon. Make it work. Confused? So am I, because I picked a bunch words of the day from a dictionary website. But you know who could help us out, TIM FREAKING GUNN. If I were to cast the Real World: My Fantasy, Tim and you would be there and I promise to never let you pee yourselves. Wait, I'm thinking SIMS world. Anyways, nothing has made me love Tim Gunn more than this moment:

It was the first time he's really accosted the designers. Yet not a sliver of hair or even his glasses moved one bit. That episode felt like freaking Cruel Intentions. The manipulation, the breakdowns, the sex...y outfits. Wait I have one more, the death...defying V-neck plunges. Okay I'm done. Oh no, I'm about to vomit some bad puns and twists of words. Tim Gunn pulled out his verbal weaponry from his gunnery and shot down Gretchen. Ahhh...satisfaction.

Here's an excerpt from my Real World confessional:

"Why I love Tim?"

1. He's genuinely nice.

2. I'm pretty sure his casual wear is still a suit. 

3. My vocabulary has expanded.

4. That smooth drawl, "Designers."

5. He's always right.

6. The Tim Gunn look: hand under chin, eyebrow up, eyes over glasses, long face

7. I wonder what his parents are like.

8. WHERE'S ANDRE?

Just Walk the Walk

Tina, who the hell stole my chiffon? Where's Andre? Hot tranny mess! Big gay queens! Well the last one was just me. But it's that time of the year again, Project Runway is back and it's an half hour longer! More importantly, Models of the Runway series is gone, like Mr. Turner in Boy Meets Word. Without a word, the show just disappeared. Before MotR, you would always get a small behind-the-scenes look into the PR model cattiness. And you'd be all like, "Girl, those models don't be eating much but they sure be snacking on some drama." I was always intrigued by these glimpses of the models lives, so when PR decided to do MotR, I was more than curious. Unfortunately, it was the most boring thing I'd ever seen, much like when I talk to models at auditions. Actually the extent of our conversations is more like the models think I work at the casting agency, and ask me really obvious questions i.e. "Do I need to know all the lines?" Aside from falling asleep within the first 10 mins of MotR, I was fascinated by the fact that the models kept acting as if they were in a competition. Yes, modeling is a constant competition, but in the context of the show, they are not competing. The designers of Project Runway are competing.

Now models of the runway, hear me out. Then tell me if you are in a competition.

Were there model challenges? No.
Did you produce anything? No, except jealousy over the fact that you eat anything you want and remain thin.
Were there winners? Only the model paired with the WINNING DESIGNER.
Were you being judged? Only by the public.
Were there annoying talking heads? Yes.  My favorite reality show line of all time, "I'm not here to make friends." It's the equivalent to my favorite real life line, "They're just jealous."

So PR has resorted again to tiny model snippets, which again have sparked my interests. But now I know the outcome of diving further into my curiousity: boredom and frustration. I think it's safe to say that the models should be seen and rarely heard, like how some of the series regulars on Glee are treated. On a side note, I do like Glee.

Remember Being Human

Tina, despite my fear of people certified in CPR, I have to admit that the educational video part of the CPR course is painfully hilarious. I think all educational/corporate videos follow this formula: take everything as normal human language - normal human behavior + retro apparel and hair (always the 80s) + cast everyone off the streets and claim "this could be your big break". The formula always works. I've always wondered what the writing room was like for Arrested Development because it was pure genius, much like 30 Rock. But I've also day dreamt about the people behind these videos who make boring tv magic. I'd like to imagine that their writers room consist of: one of the cavemen from the Geico commercials, an apple, a kitten smoking a cigar, and Corey Feldman. I have a theory that even Meryl Streep couldn't make these videos work. If Sesame Street or Dora the Explorer can be entertaining yet educational, what's the deal Corey Feldman? You have to wonder if they're in on the joke of making awful videos. You know what, it's probably just for the money. I'd do it for the money. If bad movies have the Razzies, I think educational videos should have the Touchies because half of these videos are about sexual harrassment.

Now this is writing:

CPR- Can Possibly Resuscitate

Tina, remember when I said I didn't want to live in the fear. Well, I'm freaking scared. CPR aka cardio pulmonary resuscitation, is a pretty easy yet critical skill to learn. Unfortunately, instructors give out certifications like candy.  This past week I was at orientation for my new (now past) job at a gym, and everyone was given a 1 hr tutorial in CPR with no practical assessment. Now ALL are certified for 2 years to save your life. Seriously?! There is no way all these people are fully capable of doing so, because let me tell you of another CPR fiasco. 

I got re-certified with a major health organization and that course was about  6 hrs long. And the people who were taking it for the first time, oh brother. If you can't remember how to do CPR after we did the same scenario like 15 times, then Tina we need to run, run for our lives. But don't get hurt because they won't be able to help you. I don't know if you've ever taken these type of courses, but they're extremely tedious and even the instructor wishes he/she had chosen a different career path. And they're designed to treat you like an idiot, and, unfortunately, I now know why. When I say treat you like an idiot, I mean anybody with short term memory could pass the test. So it also concerned me when I found out people in my class had failed and were retaking the course. AND to make matters worse, no one had the "Dr. Drew Baird" excuse. Because let's face it, gorgeous idiots really know how to shake a choking victim until the object is dislodged. Or at least give the injured one last bit of hotness before diving into unconsciousness.

When it comes to CPR/first aid, let me tell you the capabilities of the human mind or lack thereof (mostly the lack thereof) scares the Asian out of me. And don't worry, I will be commenting on those entertaining educational videos they make you watch in another post.

I really wish I could've gotten out of CPR class like this. Better yet, acted like this for CPR class.

Doppleganger

Tina, I can't believe it. You're writing for SNL this year! Well not you, but Shelly Gossman, your other doppleganger is. How incredible is that? Lorne Michaels gives the nod, and within a few weeks, after years of Chicago improv, she's off to SNL. Why am I telling you this? This was you 13 years ago. And I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so scared. (Ask anyone what they remember from Saved By the Bell, and I guarantee they will know that line.) But I really am so excited, because Shelly Gossman was in the very first Second City show I ever saw, Taming of the Flu. Not going to lie, I have a pretty good eye for picking out talent, and Shelly and Emily Wilson both stood out to me. But more importantly, I couldn't help but notice how much Shelly looked like you. Maybe not in the picture here, but when you see her on stage you can't help but think if they made another Mean Girls, she could write it. I find it ridiculously funny that of all the people who could potentially follow your career trajectory, it's someone who looks like you. The best part is she has a Minnesota accent (aka the go to Palin voice), so imagine the sketch possibilities. How awesome would it be if she pulled a Felicity Huffman, and did an impression of you doing an impression of Palin? Now I know how you felt Tina when you were a student watching Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Amy Sedaris on the Mainstage. Not only thinking to yourself, I can't wait to be up there, but I'm a witness to someone's "before" story. Why am I telling you this? I'm in your place 18 years later.

Congratulations Shelly! It's only the beginning. First writer, then repertory player.

Hiatus

Tina, sorry I've been away awhile, but I'm retiring. And...I'm unretired. I pulled an Amanda Bynes. Anyways, I'm going on hiatus for a bit. I'm working on several projects. Oooo...that makes me sound like a celebrity. Which I'm not, hence why I'm working on several projects. Things would be easier if you'd just hire me. Fine. I'll do it the hard way.

Where's My...? An Update

Tina, what do Alex Wong and I have in common? Don't be racist. Correct. We both should have won our respective competitions.

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/scholarship-woes.html
YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!!!

As much as you wanted your sandwich, I wanted that scholarship. That's a lie, I always want a sandwich. A Potbelly roast beef, where the beef is sent through twice, with cholula, hot pepper oil, mustard, lettuce, onion, tomato, provolone or a chicken salad with grapes, green peppers, mushrooms... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, anyways, I'm over my scholarship bitterness because this past week, the most unexpected opportunity landed in my email. I'm not going to say what it is until it actually happens. Otherwise, it would be like me bringing you a hypothetical sandwich, and no one wants those kind. They sometimes have that weird fantasy, surreal taste, and there's usually too much mayo. But I was also solaced by this: http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/do-you-know-mick-napier.html

Sorry about all the referencing, Tina, not all my tens of readers are as dedicated to my blog as you are.

I don't know about you, but even though Second City didn't want to give me a scholarship, they did like me or at least found me cute enough for their b-roll:

http://secondcity.com/Media/MediaPlayerFull/124/0

Alex Wong Nooooo!!!

Tina, pull it together. Alex Wong has been eliminated from So You Think You Can Dance, and we can't do anything about it. At least we can be consoled by the fact that Alex was eliminated due to an injury, a torn achilles tendon. He was Nancy Kerriganed by a Bollywood number. I knew it would take an Asian dance to defeat an Asian dancer. It's like fighting fire with fire. My hopes and dreams of seeing an Asian American win a tv reality competition have been shattered. I know Chloe won Project Runway, but I meant a competition in which people need to vote for you. I have specific dreams, Tina. Specificity is key for acting and dreams. I guess it's up to me now to be the first Asian American to win an Oscar for Lead Actress, presented to me by Betty White while wearing Monique Lhuillier.

My Alex Wong related posts:

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/07/voting-fingers_04.html

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/07/reality-tv-binge-alex-wong.html

Michael Jackson (Ha, Got Your Attention)

Tina, how many times have you asked yourself "Where can I find a Pakistani American man who can impersonate Michael Jackson's dance moves?" If I had a quarter every time I asked myself that... What a quandary. But no worries because the next person I'm adding to my Fey-reinds list is Khurram Mozaffar. Again, I am friends with people with really cool names. Last time it was Kat Swick. Not to mention, Khurram's name is ethnic, yay for diversity. If you need to contact Khurram, he's only a crotch grab away.

With Hollywood's new trend of finding funny South Asian/Middle Eastern men like Danny Pudi and Aziz Ansari, I can tell you Khurram is the exact opposite. He is not funny. I know you're reading this, Khurram. Other than his Michael Jackson impression, Khurram is a writer, one who really writes from his heart. He's also one to watch. He may be the next Diablo Cody. After all, they both have a dancing background. And though he considers himself a writer, he is a gifted actor despite the fact he hasn't acted for a good decade. A testament to his abilities: He basically became the critically praised star of an ensemble show we did together. Kind of like Will Ferrell except not funny. Hopefully, he doesn't forget that the rest of the talented cast contributed to his success, especially the adorable Asian girl. She's kind of like you, Tina. And a fan (yeah he has fans) said he should be on the cover of GQ. As a Vogue cover girl I have to disagree with that statement, but to each his own. Did I mention he wrote a part for me in his movie as the wiseass?

Here are some other reasons Khurram is the King of Pop dance moves:
1) Because he's been out of the acting world for a while, he doesn't always realize he's talking to someone famous or reputable in the "biz." For example, he had no idea he was giving a Tony Award winning playwright writing tips. It's cool knowing someone who can be oblivious to status and tell it like it is. Sometimes famous actors and writers need a wake up call, and Khurram is right there with a "Good morning."
2) When he finds something interesting or clever he makes this indiscernible sound. It's kind of a mix between approval and"man that was good eating." It's a great ego boost when you're talking to him and he does that sound.
3) He's got 3 adorable children. I hear play date with Alice and Ali (Coincidence they have the same 3 letters in their name? I think not).
4) He instigates a chain of emails (typically off of business type emails to other actors) that are often ridiculously entertaining. Which makes me wonder if he actually does any work during his day job as a lawyer. I like to imagine that Khurram enters his office, where you'll find a strategically placed Michael Jackson outfit nearby, curls up in a ball under his desk, takes a nap, and afterwards recounts his dreams in a mass email.
5) He's a true gentleman. Chivalry is not dead, just the man he dueled protecting his wife's honor.

THE

Tina, what's happening to me? I've used the word "THE," the way old and yes that includes middle age (no offense) people use the word "the" in front of nouns that don't need it. For example, (and let's do it in a Sarah Palin voice just because it's funny) My kids are on the Facebook. OR I can see the Russia from my house. Now this is going to be difficult, but I will tell my story. The usual "what did you do over the weekend" conversation was going along splendidly with a friend of mine until I said I saw the Eclipse. That phrasing would have been alright if I had seen an actual eclipse (through indirect methods of course), but I didn't. I saw Eclipse, the movie in the Twilight Saga starring Taylor Lautner's abs. The "THE" bomb dropped and suddenly I could feel the bifocals prescibe themselves, my metabolism slow down, and my knowledge of current music and clothing styles recede. I'm scared, Tina, I'm scared. I don't want to live in the fear.

Only fans of the 30 Rock would understand why I would use a picture of Kenneth the Page in this post.

Meat, It's What's For Dinner. - Michael Scott

Tina, remove any layers or Spanx you might be wearing and imagine numerous men coming to you with their various meats. Yes, I'm talking about those Brazilian steakhouse restaurants. You've never been? I totally understand. You barely have time to sleep let alone eat copious amounts of meat. So let me take you on a culinary adventure to Brazil...ian steakhouse. I'm going to use Chicago's popular Brazilian restaurant, Fogo de Chao, as our dining example. Once you've entered [insert term for fancy, artsy decor] Fogo de Chao, you will notice men in traditional MC Hammer pants. Actually, they are wearing the more traditional Gaucho ensemble. That's what the whole Brazilian steakhouse concept is based on: the Gaucho culture way of preparing meat. At Fogo, it's all you can eat but it's not your ordinary buffet, because you never have to get up. The "Gauchos" come to you bearing large skewers of steak, chicken, etc. to your table and serve you. And they are relentless when it comes to serving you. As one is done plating you, the next Gaucho is right behind. When you let this go on for about 5 minutes, your plate looks like a hot mess of seasoned meats. You no longer know which meat is which, but you do know you taste deliciousity. Will the Gauchos ever stop bringing their fine meats? Yes, because you play the small game of red light, green light with these little cards that are placed on the table. My favorite part about eating at these Brazilian steakhouses is when you ask for a specific meat (since each Gaucho is designated a meat) and the other Gauchos get jealous of the the Gaucho you requested. And then the feeling of jealousy quickly turns to disappointment as if the Gauchos were thinking, "I thought we had something special. I gave you my heart (meat)." But what if I don't want to eat all that meat? Don't worry Tina, because all Brazilian steakhouses have incredible, and I mean incredible salad bars. That's how they get you to fill up before the Gauchos culinarily give it to you.

No Doubt

Tina, Congratulations! 15 Emmy nominations for 30 Rock including, of course, Emmy nominations for lead actress and writing and guest actress for SNL. You have some good competition this year, but I think 30 Rock and you will snag another win. You sure you don't want to EGOT. You already got the E and G in EGOT. Hey, wait a minute, you have EG or should I say GE. I like it. GO NBC.

Voting Fingers

Tina, calm down. You still have time to vote for Alex Wong on So You Think You Can Dance. You did already? Sweet. Then why are you all flustered? Oh because you've noticed how irritating it is when contestants, on all live reality tv competitions, use their fingers to indicate what number they are so you know who to vote for. Just so we're clear, you mean the number at the end of the voting phone number associated with each individual contestant? I know exactly what you're talking about. Even though the hosts repeatedly says what the contestant's number is, and the screen displays what number to vote for, they still feel the need to hold up their finger numbers. And it's not enough that they hold up their fingers for example in the number 2, it's that they either:

A) flash it like those flickering neon signs

B) look at their fingers as if they're confused by them then realize it's the number 2

C) twist their wrist so you can see the number 2 backwards and forwards

D) personify their number as if the number 2 is actually jumping

E) my favorite one- look at their fingers as if they're suddenly surprised that their fingers have magically made the number 2

F) make me question the public school system when they hold up the wrong number of fingers

G) use both hands to make the number 2 so that I'm no longer sure if you are 2 or now 4, then make me again question the public school system

H) all of the above

To all future and present reality tv contestants, please take a lesson from Ricky Bobby.

Beginnings

Tina, Yes and..., Del Close, fatigue, "Will I make it on to TourCo?". Ah, memories. So much has changed at Second City since you've left. There's a Starbucks attached so everyone can pretend to be a screen/comedy writer in Chicago, there's an abundance of people in running shorts because there's a Fleet Feet next door, there's a brightly colored yellow chair outside the new wing of classrooms, and more importantly they're opening a Chipotle downstairs. The only thing that hasn't changed is the effervescent feeling of creativity and joy you get every time you enter Second City's doors. But what I want to know is what it is like for you back in the day. The good and the bad. You're so secretive, gosh Tina. Tell me why I've got to hear, and I'm assuming the story I heard today was about you, from someone else. Because it was hands down one of of the most endearing stories I ever heard and I can't share it. More like I won't share it in respect of you and the people involved. There's nothing incriminating, but it's one of the advantages of going to Second City, hearing "before they were famous" stories. It's one of those stories that remind you of why you do what you love. Since I won't repeat the anecdote, I'll just post this video.

Hear Me Out

Tina, I've been rewriting and rewriting this post for the past week. And I've come to the conclusion that there's no better way to write this post than to just write it. I don't know how you'll feel about this, but as a woman who's broken barriers (man that sounds outdated and cheesy) in comedy and the entertainment industry in general, I'd think you'll understand. This is a small note to Hollywood. As sincere and serious as I've ever been on this blog: Hollywood, please take a chance and cast outside the box. You see what happens when you take a risk, you get someone like Tina Fey. My shout out to you Ms. Fey. She wasn't your typical starlet, and that is exactly the reason why she is where she is now. She wasn't typical. So with the recent casting announcement for Spiderman, I can't help but think what if you cast a non-Caucasian actor to play Spiderman. Ironically, when news broke that there were plans to reboot the Spiderman franchise, I told someone they should cast an African American. The next day I learned Donald Glover had a Facebook campaign to get an audition for Spiderman. I'll admit he isn't the Spiderman type, but there are many male actors of diverse backgrounds that could be. If you wanted to "reboot" or "reinvent" it, why not reboot and reinvent. I understand comic book fans would probably hate you if you did this since Spiderman has been around for decades and is obviously Caucasian. Think of all the buzz you'll create if you cast someone totally unexpected. Plus, if it doesn't turn out as planned, Tobey's Spiderman was well executed. But if you're going to stick with typecasting. What's up with other adaptations? Take for instance, M. Night Shyamalan's Avatar: The Last Airbender. Now Airbender isn't as beloved a comic as Spiderman, but the world in which these people live, though fantasy, clearly indicates an Asian or at least an ethnic background. So you would think that the main roles would mostly be Asian, yet there are no ethnic people cast in the major character roles. With the exception of Dev Patel, who actually replaced Jesse McCartney. Alright Hollywood, I'll go back to my funny self, but sometimes life makes you want to react like Michael Scott.



P.S. I love Steve Carell. I love this scene and I love Steve Carell. I love Tina Fey and Steve Carell's chemistry in Date Night. I wish they could have been on Mainstage together. I may being tossing around the word "love" too loosely in this blog.

Reality TV Binge- Alex Wong

Tina, do you make it work? Are you a Top Chef? Do you think you can dance? Well if you're not on a reality show take a moment from the million projects you're working on and come watch reality tv with me. We're only weeks away from Project Runway, so we'll have to make due with So You Think You Can Dance and Top Chef. You know I only like reality tv that actually requires talent. Now if that were also true for all tv and film. SNAP.

Let me catch you up, particularly on SYTYCD. I can't get enough of this guy: Alex Wong. 

He makes me want to do all the Dirty Dancing scenes with him. Zac Efron and Jake Gyllenhaal too. Plus, I like to keep an eye out on my fellow Asian Americans representing. Most of the time they make it to the top 10 but get kicked off within the first 2 weeks because they lack the whole X factor. But this Alex, I predict will at least be top 5. Anyways, remember how I said swagga doesn't always translate to both classic technique and dance like hip-hop. (http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-got-swagga.html) Well Alex totally destroys my theory. He's a breath-taking ballet dancer but then just rips it in this hip-hop routine. Check out the videos below. Then tell me how much you want go to a country club right about now. Although I think we can work on his hip-hop dance face. (http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/dance-face.html) The first video you have to skip to about 1:40 to see his ballet skills.

That's What She Said- Whoa, Hold Up.

Tina, why won't they stop coming to me? That's what she said. And by they I mean "That's what she said" lines. I love "That's what she said". Love it. I love it so much I want to have a one night stand with it and then fall truly in love with it like a romantic comedy. OR Take it behind the behind the bleachers and get it pregnant. (Thanks for the line 30 Rock. I love you so much that you're next.) I'm a TWSS addict, but how can I not be when almost every sentence that comes out of a person's mouth can be labeled a TWSS. Especially when you work with food. "Fluff the meat" and "golden, crunchy crust, soft center". Hello! My buddy Loren and I would say it so much at the restaurant we worked at (I call it a restaurant to feel less embarrassed about where I worked) that it lost some of its value. It's like the time when my friends and I were in Stratford upon Avon, the birthplace of Shakespeare AND the ever so popular phrase "Ye olde [noun]." Ex. Ye olde Starbucks. That line gets, well, old real fast. So I, and since this is my blog I'll take credit, I enforced a "Ye olde" rule. One could only name something "Ye Olde" if it was a really good one. Mine was Ye olde bush. Nailed it. That's what she said. See what I mean. It's not as funny. So I, again, will impose upon myself a TWSS rule. OR give TWSS a safe word to use to protect its integrity. I respect you TWSS and I would never want to hurt you.

People You Should Know

Tina, whip out those 3-D glasses and throw 'em away, because you're about to get a 2-D look into the future of fashion, film, yoga, etc. I'm starting a list of people you should know. A clique if you will because I know how much you love cliques. (By the way, I totally auditioned for Cady in Mean Girls. We could have been friends much earlier.) I'm going to call this list of people Fey-riends or until I come up with something better. Now these people go through a rigorous selection process. I wouldn't suggest just anybody to you, Tina. Your new Fey-riends are not only amazing at what they do, they're really cool people.

First up is Kat Swick. How cool is that name? Simple and has a verb in it. Kat has the great honor of being first on this list because we've been friends for a long time and she paid me $50. Just kidding. We've only been friends for like 2 yrs.  I'm labeling her as a fashion designer, but she's also consequently an artist, photographer, graphic designer, etc. I've been telling her to go on Project Runway because she's talented and because I know she'll be a fan favorite. And she's the girl whose soundbites you like watching compiled during reunion specials because she'll have the most ridiculous, sincere comments. Don't worry Tina I got the hook up on your fashion needs. What you want, girl? I'm coining the phrase Kat Call anytime you need something to wear from Kat's collection.
Here's some pics of Kat's Originals. Just think how Swick (not a typo) you'll look in those.

And I guess TOMS had a contest for shoe designs. I would have definitely bought those and put up with the terrible customer service that I now associate with buying my TOMS. (Reference to earlier post: http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-hate-mediocre-bad-customer-service.html)

Aside from designing, there are some facts about Kat that will blow your mind grapes.
1. She writes backwards AND in cursive. The sentence still comes out normal but instead she writes right to left.
2. Do you need a voice for any animated projects you're working on? Because her natural voice is perfect. There's no way to describe it. I'm sure it's like the time you heard Cyndi Lauper speak and you're like "that's your actual voice?"
3. She was neighbors with Eddie Matthews, who apparently designed the Chunnel. That's right Tina, you're 2 degrees of separation away from Eddie Matthews.
4. She's incredibly genuine and optimistic. She can make the most mundane story hilarious. How can you not be around that energy?

Birds

TINA, A BIRD CRAPPED ON MY HEAD! At least I think it did because I felt something drip onto my hair as I walked under a tree and heard a bird tweet and fly away. I touched my hair and it was wet and when I looked down at my fingers there was this nasty brown "liquid". DISGUSTING. My reaction was pretty much like this:

Luckily, I had just walked out of the gym because I was not about to walk around in 85 degree Chicago summer heat with poop in my hair and on my hands. So I ran back into the gym to the showers. It was bad enough I had excrements on me, I wasn't about to go barefoot in a gym shower. So I basically rinsed my hair as quickly possible with all my clothes except my shirt and shoes on. That was a bit difficult since the shower head has a water splash zone of about 3 feet. Now my shoes were soaking wet and my hair was somewhat clean, but I still felt like the poop was in my hair. I must of looked crazy because I came in with frazzled with dry hair and left literally 5 mins later calm with wet hair. Now I think Liz Lemon would be exceptionally proud of this next bit. I hadn't eat lunch yet and since I was in a bit of a time crunch and had poop in my hair, I had the option of running home first and showering then eating or vice versa. I chose the second option. That's right. I walked all the way to Corner Bakery to pick up lunch THEN ran home to take a proper shower. I got a sandwich/soup combo. It really is the best of both worlds. I don't think it was too obvious my hair was a toliet today because I have really dark, basically black hair, so the brown blended in. Though I'm sure that bird that pooped on me went on his twitter and tweeted he pooped on me, because it felt like everyone knew. I swear I've never had more people stare at me as I walked down the street. 

The Situation, eh.

Tina, fist pump if you've seen Jersey Shore. Fist pump. Fist pump. Gatorade break. Fist pump. Sorry I lost myself there. Anyways, here's my situation with The Situation: The Situation's lack of an actual Situation. But props to him for coming up with the name, which I'm still not sure are his abs' name or his nickname.


First off, a six pack is actually an 8-pack. The More You Know (do do do). If I had a laser pointer, I would like to showcase the fact that he has two. And the top row, I'm pretty sure is his ribcage. In some pics, like the one to the right, it looks like he stuffed some tube socks in his stomach package. His pack seems crumpled, small, and oddly compact. Narrow is the word that comes to mind. And they are weirdly slanted. I honestly don't intend to be mean, but if he's going to talk the talk, he'd better do some more crunches to back up The Situation.

Now my real excuse for the post: eye candy. You're welcome, Tina. What would you do for Klondike Bar? (I hope you did that improv exercise in class.)

By the way, you should see what my past searches on google search looks like right about now.

Dance Face

Tina, your daughter says the funniest things like the time she said she danced at parties for a living. Hilariously inappropriate. So I guess teaching her dances I learned in hip hop to Beyonce's "Baby Boy" and Ludacris' "My Chick Bad" are off limits? I will take your silence and eye roll as a no. But can I least teach her how to make a genuine dance face? I will take your silence and eye roll as a yes. Because I have to say, there is nothing more annoying in dance than watching dancers and wanna-be dancers make disturbing, forced dance faces. For example, there's the snooty "Look at me I'm a dancer but I'm taking basic dance" face or "I'm totally gangsta" face which is why my lips are so pursed. Ok, Alice here are some suggestions:
1. Do Zoolander's Blue Steel or Magnum (I'd go with Magnum because then this fancy light somehow emerges behind you.) Believe it or not, that face is pure truth.

2. Use your normal face. You got great eyes, go with it.
3. Don't think, just do. Your personality will come through your body. Because you dance with your body, duh, and not your face. The dancer face will then be organic.
4. If you have to force a dancer face, wear a t-shirt that says "My eyes are down here, buddy" to divert the audience's eyes to your shirt instead. Or wear a boa.

Do You Know Mick Napier?

Tina, of course, you remember Mick. Working with him, Rachel, Scott, Kevin, Jenna, and Jim in Paradigm Lost must have been "Wicked". Flashback!

Alright, back to Mick. He probably doesn't remember me or what he said to me, but I sure do. He called me "insanely funny." Now, I usually take any compliment or comment with a grain of salt. But this time, I threw the salt over my shoulder and let it hit the kid next to me in the face. Why did Mick's comment especially stick with me? Because (and it is possible that I'm grouping various sources to come to this conclusion) he saw something in you, which means he saw something in me. Noticed how I avoided a dirty joke there. Truly funny people avoid those jokes because it's too easy. Just kidding. I could barely keep from typing the 10,000 ideas that were entering my head as I wrote "the something in me" line. But now I bare the responsibility of being insanely funny, which I plan to be until the novelty and fame wear off. Or...I could get a part in the Twilight Saga. Reference to earlier blog!

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/twilight-celebrities.html

Could You be Friends with Tina (and me)?

Tina, it's crazy how many people want to hang out with us. But that table at Corcoran's can't fit us all, so I have devised a quiz to see if they are truly our friends.

1. The fact that you're about to take this quiz means you're reading my blog. Awesome. But you're also reading my personal notes to Tina. How dare you? Give yourself 1 point.

2. You live or have lived in Chicago (and not some suburb or Chicagoland).

3. You're a bit socially awkward in an adorable way, not a Kristen Stewart way.

4. You attend/currently attend and/or peformed at Second City or Improv Olympic. I will also accept Annoyance Theater and Upright Citizens Brigade.

5. You're cute, funny, and smart but members of the opposite sex or same sex are somehow not attracted to you.

6. You're left-handed or secretly wish you were.

7. You attempted a short haircut that wasn't a bob, and later realized longer hair suits you.

8. You wear fitted shirts and blazers. Oh and V-necks to to accentuate what you got, but still members of the opposite or same sex are not attracted to you.

9. People continually underestimate you, though somehow you always manage to stand out. Probably because no one expects much from you.

10. You're self-deprecating and modest, because being a douche is already taken by [insert name].

11. You're germophobic. Wait that's just me. Um...you started watching SNL again because of "Sarah Palin".

12. You still wear your retainer.

13. You know the difference between kick-ass and good television. 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Modern Family, and Friends are among your favorites.


More questions to come.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/06/tracy-morgan-chokes-up-on_n_527578.html

Restaurant Butter

Tina, eating at all those fancy restaurants and awards receptions, you must have recognized what they all have in common: solid cold butter. The type of butter you can cut but can't spread, so you end up making a hole in your delicate piece of bread and eating the entire chunk of butter. These restaurants go out of their way to provide you with all types of conveniences like changing the color of the napkins to better match the pants you're wearing (yes this has happened to me), but they can't figure out how to give you softer butter. Don't get me wrong there are some restaurants that provide whipped butter, which is spreadable, so why don't all restaurants do that?