CPR- Can Possibly Resuscitate

Tina, remember when I said I didn't want to live in the fear. Well, I'm freaking scared. CPR aka cardio pulmonary resuscitation, is a pretty easy yet critical skill to learn. Unfortunately, instructors give out certifications like candy.  This past week I was at orientation for my new (now past) job at a gym, and everyone was given a 1 hr tutorial in CPR with no practical assessment. Now ALL are certified for 2 years to save your life. Seriously?! There is no way all these people are fully capable of doing so, because let me tell you of another CPR fiasco. 

I got re-certified with a major health organization and that course was about  6 hrs long. And the people who were taking it for the first time, oh brother. If you can't remember how to do CPR after we did the same scenario like 15 times, then Tina we need to run, run for our lives. But don't get hurt because they won't be able to help you. I don't know if you've ever taken these type of courses, but they're extremely tedious and even the instructor wishes he/she had chosen a different career path. And they're designed to treat you like an idiot, and, unfortunately, I now know why. When I say treat you like an idiot, I mean anybody with short term memory could pass the test. So it also concerned me when I found out people in my class had failed and were retaking the course. AND to make matters worse, no one had the "Dr. Drew Baird" excuse. Because let's face it, gorgeous idiots really know how to shake a choking victim until the object is dislodged. Or at least give the injured one last bit of hotness before diving into unconsciousness.

When it comes to CPR/first aid, let me tell you the capabilities of the human mind or lack thereof (mostly the lack thereof) scares the Asian out of me. And don't worry, I will be commenting on those entertaining educational videos they make you watch in another post.

I really wish I could've gotten out of CPR class like this. Better yet, acted like this for CPR class.

Doppleganger

Tina, I can't believe it. You're writing for SNL this year! Well not you, but Shelly Gossman, your other doppleganger is. How incredible is that? Lorne Michaels gives the nod, and within a few weeks, after years of Chicago improv, she's off to SNL. Why am I telling you this? This was you 13 years ago. And I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so scared. (Ask anyone what they remember from Saved By the Bell, and I guarantee they will know that line.) But I really am so excited, because Shelly Gossman was in the very first Second City show I ever saw, Taming of the Flu. Not going to lie, I have a pretty good eye for picking out talent, and Shelly and Emily Wilson both stood out to me. But more importantly, I couldn't help but notice how much Shelly looked like you. Maybe not in the picture here, but when you see her on stage you can't help but think if they made another Mean Girls, she could write it. I find it ridiculously funny that of all the people who could potentially follow your career trajectory, it's someone who looks like you. The best part is she has a Minnesota accent (aka the go to Palin voice), so imagine the sketch possibilities. How awesome would it be if she pulled a Felicity Huffman, and did an impression of you doing an impression of Palin? Now I know how you felt Tina when you were a student watching Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert, and Amy Sedaris on the Mainstage. Not only thinking to yourself, I can't wait to be up there, but I'm a witness to someone's "before" story. Why am I telling you this? I'm in your place 18 years later.

Congratulations Shelly! It's only the beginning. First writer, then repertory player.

Hiatus

Tina, sorry I've been away awhile, but I'm retiring. And...I'm unretired. I pulled an Amanda Bynes. Anyways, I'm going on hiatus for a bit. I'm working on several projects. Oooo...that makes me sound like a celebrity. Which I'm not, hence why I'm working on several projects. Things would be easier if you'd just hire me. Fine. I'll do it the hard way.

Where's My...? An Update

Tina, what do Alex Wong and I have in common? Don't be racist. Correct. We both should have won our respective competitions.

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/scholarship-woes.html
YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!!!

As much as you wanted your sandwich, I wanted that scholarship. That's a lie, I always want a sandwich. A Potbelly roast beef, where the beef is sent through twice, with cholula, hot pepper oil, mustard, lettuce, onion, tomato, provolone or a chicken salad with grapes, green peppers, mushrooms... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, anyways, I'm over my scholarship bitterness because this past week, the most unexpected opportunity landed in my email. I'm not going to say what it is until it actually happens. Otherwise, it would be like me bringing you a hypothetical sandwich, and no one wants those kind. They sometimes have that weird fantasy, surreal taste, and there's usually too much mayo. But I was also solaced by this: http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/06/do-you-know-mick-napier.html

Sorry about all the referencing, Tina, not all my tens of readers are as dedicated to my blog as you are.

I don't know about you, but even though Second City didn't want to give me a scholarship, they did like me or at least found me cute enough for their b-roll:

http://secondcity.com/Media/MediaPlayerFull/124/0

Alex Wong Nooooo!!!

Tina, pull it together. Alex Wong has been eliminated from So You Think You Can Dance, and we can't do anything about it. At least we can be consoled by the fact that Alex was eliminated due to an injury, a torn achilles tendon. He was Nancy Kerriganed by a Bollywood number. I knew it would take an Asian dance to defeat an Asian dancer. It's like fighting fire with fire. My hopes and dreams of seeing an Asian American win a tv reality competition have been shattered. I know Chloe won Project Runway, but I meant a competition in which people need to vote for you. I have specific dreams, Tina. Specificity is key for acting and dreams. I guess it's up to me now to be the first Asian American to win an Oscar for Lead Actress, presented to me by Betty White while wearing Monique Lhuillier.

My Alex Wong related posts:

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/07/voting-fingers_04.html

http://tinafeyismyfriend.blogspot.com/2010/07/reality-tv-binge-alex-wong.html

Michael Jackson (Ha, Got Your Attention)

Tina, how many times have you asked yourself "Where can I find a Pakistani American man who can impersonate Michael Jackson's dance moves?" If I had a quarter every time I asked myself that... What a quandary. But no worries because the next person I'm adding to my Fey-reinds list is Khurram Mozaffar. Again, I am friends with people with really cool names. Last time it was Kat Swick. Not to mention, Khurram's name is ethnic, yay for diversity. If you need to contact Khurram, he's only a crotch grab away.

With Hollywood's new trend of finding funny South Asian/Middle Eastern men like Danny Pudi and Aziz Ansari, I can tell you Khurram is the exact opposite. He is not funny. I know you're reading this, Khurram. Other than his Michael Jackson impression, Khurram is a writer, one who really writes from his heart. He's also one to watch. He may be the next Diablo Cody. After all, they both have a dancing background. And though he considers himself a writer, he is a gifted actor despite the fact he hasn't acted for a good decade. A testament to his abilities: He basically became the critically praised star of an ensemble show we did together. Kind of like Will Ferrell except not funny. Hopefully, he doesn't forget that the rest of the talented cast contributed to his success, especially the adorable Asian girl. She's kind of like you, Tina. And a fan (yeah he has fans) said he should be on the cover of GQ. As a Vogue cover girl I have to disagree with that statement, but to each his own. Did I mention he wrote a part for me in his movie as the wiseass?

Here are some other reasons Khurram is the King of Pop dance moves:
1) Because he's been out of the acting world for a while, he doesn't always realize he's talking to someone famous or reputable in the "biz." For example, he had no idea he was giving a Tony Award winning playwright writing tips. It's cool knowing someone who can be oblivious to status and tell it like it is. Sometimes famous actors and writers need a wake up call, and Khurram is right there with a "Good morning."
2) When he finds something interesting or clever he makes this indiscernible sound. It's kind of a mix between approval and"man that was good eating." It's a great ego boost when you're talking to him and he does that sound.
3) He's got 3 adorable children. I hear play date with Alice and Ali (Coincidence they have the same 3 letters in their name? I think not).
4) He instigates a chain of emails (typically off of business type emails to other actors) that are often ridiculously entertaining. Which makes me wonder if he actually does any work during his day job as a lawyer. I like to imagine that Khurram enters his office, where you'll find a strategically placed Michael Jackson outfit nearby, curls up in a ball under his desk, takes a nap, and afterwards recounts his dreams in a mass email.
5) He's a true gentleman. Chivalry is not dead, just the man he dueled protecting his wife's honor.

THE

Tina, what's happening to me? I've used the word "THE," the way old and yes that includes middle age (no offense) people use the word "the" in front of nouns that don't need it. For example, (and let's do it in a Sarah Palin voice just because it's funny) My kids are on the Facebook. OR I can see the Russia from my house. Now this is going to be difficult, but I will tell my story. The usual "what did you do over the weekend" conversation was going along splendidly with a friend of mine until I said I saw the Eclipse. That phrasing would have been alright if I had seen an actual eclipse (through indirect methods of course), but I didn't. I saw Eclipse, the movie in the Twilight Saga starring Taylor Lautner's abs. The "THE" bomb dropped and suddenly I could feel the bifocals prescibe themselves, my metabolism slow down, and my knowledge of current music and clothing styles recede. I'm scared, Tina, I'm scared. I don't want to live in the fear.

Only fans of the 30 Rock would understand why I would use a picture of Kenneth the Page in this post.

Meat, It's What's For Dinner. - Michael Scott

Tina, remove any layers or Spanx you might be wearing and imagine numerous men coming to you with their various meats. Yes, I'm talking about those Brazilian steakhouse restaurants. You've never been? I totally understand. You barely have time to sleep let alone eat copious amounts of meat. So let me take you on a culinary adventure to Brazil...ian steakhouse. I'm going to use Chicago's popular Brazilian restaurant, Fogo de Chao, as our dining example. Once you've entered [insert term for fancy, artsy decor] Fogo de Chao, you will notice men in traditional MC Hammer pants. Actually, they are wearing the more traditional Gaucho ensemble. That's what the whole Brazilian steakhouse concept is based on: the Gaucho culture way of preparing meat. At Fogo, it's all you can eat but it's not your ordinary buffet, because you never have to get up. The "Gauchos" come to you bearing large skewers of steak, chicken, etc. to your table and serve you. And they are relentless when it comes to serving you. As one is done plating you, the next Gaucho is right behind. When you let this go on for about 5 minutes, your plate looks like a hot mess of seasoned meats. You no longer know which meat is which, but you do know you taste deliciousity. Will the Gauchos ever stop bringing their fine meats? Yes, because you play the small game of red light, green light with these little cards that are placed on the table. My favorite part about eating at these Brazilian steakhouses is when you ask for a specific meat (since each Gaucho is designated a meat) and the other Gauchos get jealous of the the Gaucho you requested. And then the feeling of jealousy quickly turns to disappointment as if the Gauchos were thinking, "I thought we had something special. I gave you my heart (meat)." But what if I don't want to eat all that meat? Don't worry Tina, because all Brazilian steakhouses have incredible, and I mean incredible salad bars. That's how they get you to fill up before the Gauchos culinarily give it to you.

No Doubt

Tina, Congratulations! 15 Emmy nominations for 30 Rock including, of course, Emmy nominations for lead actress and writing and guest actress for SNL. You have some good competition this year, but I think 30 Rock and you will snag another win. You sure you don't want to EGOT. You already got the E and G in EGOT. Hey, wait a minute, you have EG or should I say GE. I like it. GO NBC.

Voting Fingers

Tina, calm down. You still have time to vote for Alex Wong on So You Think You Can Dance. You did already? Sweet. Then why are you all flustered? Oh because you've noticed how irritating it is when contestants, on all live reality tv competitions, use their fingers to indicate what number they are so you know who to vote for. Just so we're clear, you mean the number at the end of the voting phone number associated with each individual contestant? I know exactly what you're talking about. Even though the hosts repeatedly says what the contestant's number is, and the screen displays what number to vote for, they still feel the need to hold up their finger numbers. And it's not enough that they hold up their fingers for example in the number 2, it's that they either:

A) flash it like those flickering neon signs

B) look at their fingers as if they're confused by them then realize it's the number 2

C) twist their wrist so you can see the number 2 backwards and forwards

D) personify their number as if the number 2 is actually jumping

E) my favorite one- look at their fingers as if they're suddenly surprised that their fingers have magically made the number 2

F) make me question the public school system when they hold up the wrong number of fingers

G) use both hands to make the number 2 so that I'm no longer sure if you are 2 or now 4, then make me again question the public school system

H) all of the above

To all future and present reality tv contestants, please take a lesson from Ricky Bobby.